“That Must Be Challenging”

Some people have noticed my absence of blog posts for a while and worried that there was a crisis with my folks.  There has been personal heartbreak and anxiety over loss of a family member, and it continues, but it’s not directly related to my parents. Thank you for caring. What I am learning about loss of control is a different perspective that came in handy over the past weekend.

In the midst of a really shitty time, my father emailed me to guilt me out about not visiting – his computer skills functioning nicely at age 90. After agonizing about how to deal with yet another trip, I realized I didn’t have to do it alone. My cousin came to the rescue. She’s calm, she’s a physical therapist who is used to cranky seniors who fall down, and she’s fun. I had someone to witness the chaos, help me shuttle them around, and make me laugh. My mother screamed less and tried to have conversations about things other than bad health care. A trip I dreaded became a comedy sitcom through another set of eyes. Thank you Marian. Although your choice of beer is abysmal, slurping Coors Light at the Santee drive-in theatre was indeed a special evening.

I’ve had a few therapy sessions, a self-imposed intervention that was probably overdue to help me navigate lots of stress. I asked for practical tips to help me deflect the torrent of complaints and tirades from my parents that usually make me try to fix their lives. Here’s what I said whenever I was tempted to engage:

• “Gosh, that sounds hard.”
• “I’m sorry to hear that you are frustrated.”
• “That must be very challenging.”

No questions from me about what to do next. No offers to help. No reminders that they need to move. Just simple reflections back so they know I heard them. I honestly didn’t think it would work – they’re too smart, they resist psychobabble, and they don’t like sympathy.  It worked superbly. It calmed me down, and I didn’t feel the need to take one single item to the Goodwill bin.

There really isn’t any change to report on their status. They are shaping their own destiny. I’m gaining back my sense of humor. Sometimes you just need to get kicked and not kick back.