Willie Wonka Wants the House

Hard to believe, but my parents’ house was grabbed within a week by a couple with cash, ready to close in 2 weeks. They are relatives of the neighbor across the street, and they’ve been strategizing how to create a family compound just like the Kennedys. I was a bit skeptical about legitimacy until I read the paperwork and Googled the guy. He has close to a million dollars in liquid assets, not counting his current home. He has an impressive career in medical device product design. Most fascinating, he is the founder and owner of a major regional chocolate empire.

My mother had an intense addiction to chocolate in all forms – I suspect she is thrilled post-mortem and probably had something to do with this development. My father isn’t much better – he squirrels away dark chocolate from many sources and distributes treats to his new friends (by the way, 70% of elderly people have diabetes, although this doesn’t seem to influence anyone’s behavior). And let’s face it - I’m worse than both of them on the chocoholic spectrum.

A cash offer in hand is very attractive, even though it is below the asking price, which was inflated, so in the end we will get the price we wanted all along (actually slightly more). Unless inspection surprises pop up, it appears to be a done deal. If Willie Wonka and wife back out, they forfeit their deposit which can fund lots of trips for me, and lots of candy bars for Dad.

Most people who buy homes on a half-acre lot do landscaping, or they might install a pool. I’m envisioning my folks’ back yard gulch filled with flowing chocolate fountains, powered by the irrigation system that Dad built. It’s broken right now, but it will rise again.

House For Sale

Think about if from the house’s perspective. After 28 years of grime, piles of expired coupons and broken patio furniture, it must feel good to finally get cleaned up. Over the past 3 months, walls were painted, windows were washed, and new carpet was installed. It cost $8000 to get the place ready, including the surprise repair for a floor crack ($600 to inspect, $250 to certify as safe, $40 for epoxy to fix). I gave my final blessing to put it on the market and hugged the real estate agent who coordinated the contractor circus. She deserves every penny of her eventual commission. Almost immediately the low ball investors – also known as bottom feeders – started calling. Next will be the lookie-loo neighbors. After that the brokers arrive – and then maybe actual prospective buyers will come around. I was so happy to drive away for the very last time. I thought about sending a note to the City of Santee, thanking them for their wide diversity of trash bins, my favorite being Walgreens and the YMCA.

Dad wanted to see pictures of his restored house – except for the garage. He couldn’t bear to alter the memory of his treasured man-cave. I understand. He’s doing great. Our visits are now a delightful mix of errands, doctor visits and scenic diversions while we discover local restaurants. We enjoy each other’s company, and he is smiling again. That’s more real than any real estate.